Abuse Tips

Signs of Abuse

Signs to watch out for in a relationship: When your lover/spouse does things against your will or claims that it is "for your own good," take this as a signal to watch out! The next step may be excessive control, and the step after that may be physical abuse.

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Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Has your partner ever........
*hit, grabbed, choked, bitten, slapped, or pushed you?
*used a gun or a knife or some kind of weapon against you?
*hit you with some object like a bat, pan, or belt?
*hit, held or squeezed you so hard it left a bruise?
*threatened to hurt or kill you or your children or your friends?
*withheld money or food or medicine or transportation from you?
*called you names, made you feel ashamed of yourself, humiliated you?
*forced you to have sex when you did not want to
*forced you to perform sexual acts you did not want to?
*destroyed or broken your possessions?
*threatened to harm or kill himself if you do or don't do something?

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What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence encompasses a range of behaviors:

*Physical violence such as slapping, punching, hair pulling, or shoving
*forced or coerced sexual acts or violence such as unwanted fondling or intercourse, or jokes and insults aimed at sexuality
*Threats of violence including threatening to hit, harm, use a weapon on another, or tell others confidential information
*psychological abuse including attacks on self-esteem, controlling or limiting another's behavior, repeated insults, and interrogation

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Escaping Abuse

Developing interests and close relationships outside the realm of your spouse/lover will help you escape from an abusive relationship

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What is Abuse?

Abuse is about control. It is not just a one-time incident, but a pattern. Abuse may take physical, emotional, or sexual forms. It is often a series of behaviors used to get and keep control over a person.

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Forms of Emotional Abuse

In a relationship, emotional abuse can take the form of:
*Extramarital affairs
*Provocative behavior with the opposite sex
*Humiliation and put downs
*Hypercriticism
*Refusal to communicate
*Use of sarcasm
*Unreasonable jealousy
*Extreme moodiness
*"I love you but..."
*"If you don't shape up, I will..."
*Domination and control
*Withdrawal of affection

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Common correlates of sexual abuse in boys

*confusion over sexual identity and fear of homosexuality
*increased aggressive behavior
*parental denial of the impact of the abuse
*re-enacting the abuse through abusing other children

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Cycle of violence

From the Domestic Violence Handbook

INCIDENT: Any type of abuse occurs (Physical, sexual, emotional.>>>>>>>>>>>>>

RECONCILIATION: *Abuser apologizes for abuse
*Promises it will never happen again
*Blames victim for provoking abuse
*Denies abuse took place or that it
wasn't as bad as the victim claims
*Gift giving by abuser>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

CALM: *Incident is "forgotten"
*No abuse is taking place
* Some promises made during reconciliation are
being met
*Hope on the part of the victim that the abuse
is over.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TENSION BUILDING:
*Tension starts to build
*Minor incidents begin
*Breakdown of communication
*Victim feels the need to placate the abuser
*Tension becomes unbearable >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Incident: Any type of abuse occurs

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different anount of time in a relationship, with the total cycle taking from a few hours to a year or more to complete

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships "fit" the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the reconciliation and calm stages may disappear.

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